Night of the Cow
by Kaori
Summary: It's not scary horror it's more like Scary Movie horror [i.e. mockery of conventional horror movies]. I had this posted on another site and figured I'd bring it over. Rated PG13 for language it has Relena bashing, cow bashing, and minor bashing of othe


Kaori: Two of my least favorite things in the universe are cows and Relena. I wondered what would happen if I put them both in the same fanfic and this is what I got. 

Ayamachi: All I got was a headache.

Kaori: Oh hush and put up this little disclaimer.

Ayamachi: Yes ma'am…

Little Disclaimer: Since you lawyers like fine print so much hare it is… Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me.

Night of the Cow

Written: October 19, 2001

Updated: March 22, 2002

By: Kaori

A/N: This fic is supposed to read like a really cheesy horror movie from the 1960's.

It was a dark night and, like most stories that start out this way, it was stormy too. All the lights were on in the safehouse giving the occupants some kind of comfort from the storm. But comfort is as transitory as all other feelings especially on this particular night. Because tonight is…The Night of the Cow!

 Trowa and Heero were engaged in an intense game of chess that they had been playing since earlier that morning, Wufei and Duo were hacking away at each other on Tekken 46, and Quatre was restringing his violin. 

FLASH!! BOOM!!!  The five young men were suddenly plunged into darkness.

"Kisama!" Wufei sputtered. "I was just about to win!"

"In your dreams, Chang. We all know you suck at video games." Duo said.

"Care to repeat that Maxwell?" Wufei growled, the sound of his katana leaving its sheath distinct.

"I'm going to check the fuse box." Heero intoned and they heard the sound of a chair scraping the floor. A dim light filled the room as Heero turned on his flashlight.

"Um…Heero, where'd you get that?" Quatre asked.

"Probably the same place he keeps his gun." Duo muttered. Heero blinked and then went to the basement to check the fuse box.  Duo got up, careful to avoid tripping over Wufei in the dark. "So, what you guys want to do while we wait for Heero?" 

"Let's play concentration."

"All right. Who wants to start?"

"I will, tell me when to stop." Quatre started going through the alphabet in his mind. After thirty seconds Duo said 'stop.' "J."

"All right, Trowa pick a number between one and ten."

" Four." Trowa said impassively.

"Hmm…fine. Wufei what's the category."

"Video games." Wufei snarled.

"Are you still mad? Look man, be happy the power went out when it did or you would have lost big time. Anyway, we all gotta name four video games beginning with J. No repeats. Now, lemme see…Jet Moto, Jersey Devil…"

Meanwhile back at the ranch…err…I mean down in the basement, Heero was busy searching for the fuse box. He was interrupted in his hunt, however by a low 'mooing' noise accompanied by the sound of cowbells.

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. Moo.

"Duo that better not be you." Heero growled.

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. Moo.

"Duo?"

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. Moo.

"Come out here Maxwell, I know it's you!"

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. Moo.

"Okay, this is getting too damn weird…"

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. Moo.

"All right that does it. Where are you?! Show yourself damn it!" Heero shone his flashlight frantically all around the basement but didn't see anything. He turned around slowly.

Moo Clang clang clang clang. Moo.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The four other pilots jumped up in surprise and then promptly bumped into the furniture. After stumbling around in the dark cursing they finally got their wits back.

"What the fuck was that?!" Duo demanded.

"A scream." Trowa said.

"Thank you Captain Obvious, now if you would be so kind as to tell me WHO THE HELL SCREAMED?!"

"It sounded like it came from the basement." Wufei pointed out.

"But the only one down in the basement is…"

"Heero." [Dramatic thunder and lightning effects dareka?]

FLASH!! BOOM!!!

Four shadowy figures crept down the stairs by candlelight in search of their missing comrade. "Tell me _why_ we are doing this?" Wufei muttered.

"This is the way it's done in all the cheesy horror flicks." Duo said matter-of-factly.

"I still think it would make more sense to look for Yuy when the power comes back on, or at least in daylight."

"Aww, is Wu-wu scared?" Duo leered.

"Injustice! Don't call me Wu-Wu!" as an afterthought he added, "And I am not afraid!"

"Then you won't mind opening the basement door then." Wufei slapped himself on the forehead and walked up to the basement door.

"Get a grip Wufei." He thought angrily. "There is no need to be frightened. It's only the basement. Only weak onnas are afraid of the dark." Having bolstered his courage, he slowly turned the doorknob and pushed the door open.

"Don't just stand there! Go in!" Duo prodded. Wufei swore to kill the braided one for this later and stepped into the darkness, his candle shaking in his grip. The others followed him hesitantly keeping their candles well in front of them.

FLASH!!! BOOM!!

"AAGH!!" Quatre shrieked and jumped onto Trowa, consequently dropping his candle. Trowa rolled his eyes.

"Would you please get off me." Trowa sighed.

"Eh heh heh…gomen ne…"

"All right, enough screwing around. Let's find Heero, and get the fuck out of here." Duo muttered. 

The basement wasn't very big so it didn't take long for them to search it. After looking in every box and in every corner there was no sign of the Wing pilot anywhere.

"Where could he have gone? The basement's not that big." Wufei said.

"Hey guys, I think I've found something." Quatre said. The others shuffled over to where Quatre was kneeling. There were hoof prints in the dust on the floor as well as a very distinct set of sneaker prints.

"Is it just me or is this really, really weird?" Duo breathed.

"Oh no. What could possibly be weird about hoof prints in a basement?" Wufei snorted.

"Shut it, Chang."

"Make me, Maxwell."

"Both of you shut up!" Trowa yelled surprising everyone in the room including Trowa himself. He sighed and regained his composure. "We're not doing anybody any good standing around here bickering. Let's go back upstairs. Maybe Heero is there." Upon returning to the living room they did not find 01, but a wrinkled old gypsy lady.

"Onna! How did you get in here!?" Wufei demanded.

"That is not important boy whose ponytail is too tight." It was all the others could do to keep from falling on the floor laughing right there, and it took all of Wufei's restraint not to take his katana to the old woman's throat. "Your friend, the boy that talks in grunts, is missing yes?"

"Yes!" Quatre said. "Do you know where he is?"

"Of course I do. The cows have him." She replied flippantly.

"Come again." Duo wrinkled his nose. "I'm sorry I must be going nuts because I thought you said that cows have Heero."

"You think I said it because I did boy who talks too much." The gypsy lady huffed. "Do you have any idea what the significance of this night is?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell us."

"Tonight is…" she looked around and lowered her voice, "The Night of the Cow."

FLASH!!! BOOM!!

"Night of the Cow?" Trowa parroted.

"Yes. You see, on this night the cows in this area gather together in worship of their bovine goddess. Each year on this night they perform a sacrifice to ensure that the milk they give is always creamy. In order to complete the ritual they need a sacrifice, a young man with a cowlick."

FLASH!!! BOOM!!

"What does any of this have to do with Yuy?" Wufei scoffed.

"Duh, Wufei. Heero's hair is like one big cowlick!" Duo exclaimed.

"Boy who talks too much is right." The gypsy lady nodded gravely. "Your friend was chosen because of his terrible hair."

"What can we do! We can't let the cows sacrifice Heero!" Quatre wailed.

"You must go to the Bovine Grove for it is there that the cows must complete the ritual. Go, quickly! You only have forty five minutes before the ritual, and this movie, ends."

FLASH!! BOOM!!! The old gypsy woman is gone.

"Man, that was freaky." Duo said. "What was the point of having that old lady appear out of nowhere?"

"Baka, her purpose was clearly to advance the plot." Wufei snorted.

"What plot? This has to be the stupidest horror fic ever written!"

"Enough already!" Trowa sighed. "Let's just get to Bovine Grove and rescue Heero."

 "Hey, wait a minute. Where is Bovine Grove anyway?" Duo frowned.

"Just keep walking west from the front door!" the gypsy woman's disembodied voice filled the room.

"Uh..thanks." Quatre sweatdropped. 

Elsewhere, Heero woke up feeling very cold and with a splitting headache. "Ugh… where am I?" he moaned opening his eyes slowly and coming face to face with a pair of very big brown eyes. "AAGH!" he yelped. He suddenly found that he couldn't move an inch. "Oh perfect…" Heero was tied to a large stone slab. Finding that he was too tired to break the ropes, he resigned himself to surveying his surroundings.

From what he could see, he gathered that he was lying on some sort of alter. To his left was a large bowl filled with a white liquid. To his left were…

"Cows?" Heero frowned. "What in the DeathscytheHELL is going on?" He raised his head so he could see in front of him, screamed at the sight, and passed out again.

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. Moo. The cows moved closer to the alter and prepared to proceed with the ceremony. Fortunately for Heero, help was on the way. "STOP THIS INJUSTICE AT ONCE!!!" The cows turned around to face four annoyed Gundam pilots.

"You heard Wufei. Let him go." Duo scowled. The cows glared at them and immediately started to stampede. "Oh shit…RUN!!!"

While the cows chased the pilots around the grove, Heero regained consciousness. Sick and tired of lying around he worked his way out of the ropes the way Duo had taught him when they were bored on that ship on the Black Sea. "Never thought that baka's advice would come in handy." Heero muttered rubbing his wrists. He looked around and his eyes settled on the thing that had caused him to pass out earlier… 

On the altar was a watercolor painting of Relena. Surrounding it was several "offerings" of pink ribbons. Now that Heero thought about it, it made sense that Relena would be the cow goddess. After all the heifer was about as bright as they were. At any rate, the hideous abomination had to be destroyed. "Ninmu ryoukai."

As Heero busied himself setting explosives, Trowa and Quatre had been treed by a number of the cows. Wufei was chasing some of them with his katana while Duo had a steak knife and was sharpening it manically, effectively keeping the rest of the cows away from him. 

"Trowa! Do something!" Quatre yelped as a cow rammed the tree they were sitting in.

"Like what?" Trowa said, hanging on to the tree trunk for dear life.

"I don't know! You're good with animals! Try talking to them!"

"No way. Only crazy people talk to cows."

"Take that, you onnas!!!" Wufei yelled, slashing at two very large dairy cows.

KABOOM!!!!!! Milk and rocks rained from the sky as the Shrine of the Bovine Goddess Relena exploded into dust. The cows, frightened by the loud noise ran off into the forest where they were later devoured by a lost group of college students looking for a hamburger joint.

"Ninmu kanryou." Heero said, eyes glowing like he was on ZERO. Duo sighed and put away the steak knife.

EPILOGUE

Duo dragged Heero to hair salon in order to prevent something like that from ever happening again. Quatre is seeing a psychiatrist for Boviphobia (1) 

Relena keeled over and died of mysterious circumstances (we know better don't we?). 

Trowa developed an obsession with steak and opened a small chain of steak houses in Texas and Wufei is helping him. 

The events of that fateful night are forever etched in the memories of the five young pilots and no matter what happens to them in the future they will never forget…THE NIGHT OF THE COW!!!!!

FLASH!!! BOOM!!!

Moo. Clang clang clang clang. 

~Owari~

(1) Yes I know there is now such thing. If anyone knows what the psychological term for fear of cows is please tell me, and if there isn't one there should be!!) 


End file.
